Eight Dates

Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts
A lifetime of love is created every single day you are together
Perfection is not the price of love — Practice is
8 topics that matter most to relationships:

Trust and commitment
Conflict
Sex
Money
Family
Fun and adventure
Growth and spirituality
Dreams

Happily ever after doesn't mean there are no challenges or conflict — Happily ever after simply means that both partners are known, valued, accepted for who they are and who they are becoming

NEVER TOO EARLY OR TOO LATE

There is nothing we can measure about 2 separate individuals that can predict if they'll like one another, or be romantically attracted to one another
We are, in fact, more attracted to many kinds of people who are very different from ourselves
Staying in love takes a level of vulnerability that isn't always comfortable
One of the great gifts of relationship and marriage (there are many) is the ability to see the world through the eyes of another person in a way we're almost never able to do with another human being

POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE

The couples who are most likely to have happy marriages show the following qualities and characteristics when they talk about their relationship:

Fondness, Affection, Admiration — The couple expresses positive affect, emphasize the good times, and compliment their partner

We-ness versus Separateness — They use words like "we", "us", or "our"

Expansiveness versus Withdrawal — They describe memories about their shared past vividly and distinctly

Glorifying The Struggle — They express pride that they survived difficult times, emphasize their commitment to the relationship, they talk about their shared values, goals, and life philosophy, and have shared meaning and purpose

The "positive switch" is all about how couple positively interpret their negative events and their partner's character — They maximize the positive and minimize the negative
An overall perceived negativity will quickly erode a relationship
Happy relationships aren't relationships where there is no fighting
Happy couples are not so very different from unhappy couples; they are simply able to make repairs to their relationship easier and faster so they can get back to the joy of being together

THE BIGGER PICTURE

Happy marriages or long-term relationships can significantly reduce depression, anxiety disorders, addictions, and antisocial behaviour, and reduce incidents of suicide

Your Date Night

It's the small, positive things done often that make a true difference in relationships — Talking together at the end of each day, giving each other a kiss hello and goodbye

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Date nights should be a permanent part of a lifetime of love and connection — The goal is to have a special date once a week

WE MADE A PACT

For the purposes of this book, a date is preplanned time where the two of you leave your work life and your work-in-the-home life, and spend a set amount of time focusing on each other, and really talking and listening to each other
A date is a special time set aside for just the two of you to connect — Leave your electronics at home or turn them off and check only when the date is over
There is more to your relationship than sharing a home or coparenting children — Remind yourselves that you are first and foremost friends and lovers

Date Night Obstacles

Time

A date night is more than an obligation, it's a commitment to your relationship and to your hopes for a happy marriage
Unless someone is in the emergency room, make date night a "no matter what" event

Money

There are endless ways to spend time together without breaking the bank

Childcare

Trade children with other couples, so both couples could enjoy date nights
See if a trusted family member or close friend will help you in the quest to spend sacred time together
Look for inexpensive babysitters in your neighbourhood
If you find a safe and reliable person to watch your children, you're helping them learn that other people, besides their parents, are trustworthy and reliable
By showing your commitment to your relationship with your partner, you're nurturing your children by ensuring that they will be raised by parents in a healthy and stable relationship

A Few Guidelines

The most important guideline for the eight dates is to have an open heart and mind, an attentive ear, and a true desire and curiosity to connect
Reread the section "Speed Dating" of each chapter before your date
Take with you the list of open-ended questions for that particular topic
You can download all the exercises and open ended questions —> workman.com/eightdates
Limit your alcohol or drug consumption on date night
If your date will take place at a venue, make sure you can not only speak to each other freely, but also hear each other clearly
Don't forget why you fell in love with each other, and most important, don't forget to laugh

The Four Skills of Intimate Conversation

Skill #1 — PUT INTO WORDS WHAT YOU ARE FEELING

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Try saying I feel...
Now talk about WHY you have these feelings
You can describe the events that led to the feeling, a story from childhood, an observation, or an insight or revelation that you've had

Skill #2 — ASK YOUR PARTNER OPEN ENDED QUESTIONS DURING AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION

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Try asking questions like...

Skill #3 — MAKE EXPLORATORY STATEMENTS TO HELP OPEN UP YOUR PARTNER'S FEELINGS AND NEEDS DURING AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION

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Try saying things like...

Skill #4 — EXPRESS TOLERANCE, EMPATHY, AND UNDERSTANDING TOWARD YOUR PARTNER DURING AN INTIMATE CONVERSATION

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Try making empathetic statements like...

The Art of Listening

The questions above are half the equation... Listening is the all-important other half

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Listening is an action; you have to commit to it — And you can't do that if you don't get out of your head
Show genuine interest and curiosity in what your partner is saying — Don't interrupt
Don't assume you know what your partner is going to say next — Just LISTEN
Remember it's open-ended questions that open the heart
Your only goal is simply to listen and to try to understand
Repeat back in your own words what you have heard your partner saying, and thus communicate validation
Don't give advice unless your partner asks for it

Lean on Me: Trust & Commitment

Choosing Commitment

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Positive things done often make the most difference and builds the cocoon of trust and safety in relationships
In a committed relationship, you will both stop the world to try understand and ease each other's pain — This is partly why we get married, and this is partly why we love
Making negative comparisons of our partners with other real or imagined alternative relationship partners (negative comps.) will result in betrayal

Discovering Your own Wonderland

None of us has it all together, and none of us is without our idiosyncrasies or insecurities no matter how together we may appear
Vulnerability creates trust, and trust is the oxygen your relationship needs to breathe
Trust happens in the little moments when we show our partner we are there for them and they do the same for us
Mutual trust rests in the belief that both of are thinking for two

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There are many ways people break trust in a relationship:

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In every interaction, within every argument, lie these important questions:

When Trust Has Been Broken

If you break any of your agreements about trust, there are steps to fix what's been broken

Set a specific time and place to talk
Each partner names the feelings he or she experienced during the incident or breach in trust, without blame or criticism
The receiving partner listens without feedback or judgement
Each person describes his/her point of view about what happened during the incident without blaming or criticizing their partner, while their partner only listens and tries to empathize — The listener shouldn't bring up their own point of view until it's their turn to speak
Explain and examine any feelings that were triggered by the incident but that were originally felt long before this relationship — For example, one of you is a no-show for a dinner date, and that triggers a feeling of abandonment the other had from childhood or the rejection or infidelity in a past relationship
Each partner assesses how they contributed to the incident an d holds himself/herself accountable
Each apologizes and accepts the other's apology
You make a plan together to prevent this from happening again

Cherishing

Betrayal is nurtured by communicating to one's partner that he is she is lacking certain qualities we simply cannot do without, and therefore is highly replaceable
Create a ritual time, maybe once a week, for cherishing your partner out loud

Date 1: Trust & Commitment

Conversation Topic

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What does trust and commitment look like in our relationship? How can we make each other feel safe? What are our agreements about trust and commitment?

Preparation

Define what trust and commitment mean to you. Think about what trust and commitment looked like in your family of origin. Name the little ways you and your partner show commitment to each other.

Open-Ended Questions For Your Conversation

How did your parents show their commitment to each other? How did they show a lack of commitment to each toher?
What does trust mean to you?
Can you describe a time where you didn't feel you trusted me, and what I could have done to fix the situation?
What do you need from me in order for you to trust me even more?
What do you need from me to show that I am committed to this relationship?
What areas do you think we need to work on to build trust between us?
How are we similar and how are we different when it comes to trust and commitment? How can we accept these differences?

Agree to Disagree: Addressing Conflict

Managing Conflict

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If you enter into any long-term relationship thinking that the hallmark of its success is a lack of conflict, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and failure
Mutual understanding: This is the healthiest and most productive goal of all conflict
When couples talk about that one thing that they always argue about, it's what we call a perpetual problem — It's not going to be resolved
Relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems that you can learn to live with
Within perpetual problems that you can't ever seem to resolve, lie the greatest opportunities for growth and intimacy — When you discover what lies beneath those problems, you uncover something that is at the core of your partner's belief system or personality
Obviously some perpetual problems that can be deal breakers
Solvable problems: There are situational problems where the conflict is about the topic — you argue about housework, who picks up the kids on Fridays, or where to go on vacation
When you accept what you can't change, you accept each other — Accept your partner for who they are, and they'll do the same
There's usually a story underneath every strong emotion
Celebrate and learn from your differences

Fight Fair and Repair

Step 1

Each person takes a turn to talk about what they were feeling during the fight

Step 2

Each person should talk about how they saw the situation and their perspective about what actually happened in the argument — You may have two very different realities of what happened, but both are right
Validate each other's realities
Use "I" statements — Don't tell your partner what they did or didn't do ("I heard you saying", not "you said")

Step 3

Sometimes there are reasons why conflict escalated
When you feel triggered, search your memory for a point in history or childhood when you had a similar set of feelings
Tell your partner the story of what happened in your past, so your partner can understand your own particular sensitivities and why this is a trigger for you

Step 4

Accept responsibility and own up to your part in the fight
Taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem in communication, presents the opportunity for great repair

Step 5

Discuss how you both might do things differently the next time

Date 2: Addressing Conflict

Conversation Topic

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How do we manage conflict? How are we the same and how are we different? How do we accomodate and accept these differences between us?

Preparation

How are we the same and how are we different?
How can we accomodate and accept the differences between us?
Are there differences we cannot accept?

Troubleshooting

There is no winner in a healthy conflict; there is only understanding and resolution or acceptance
Avoiding conflict breeds emotional distance
Both of your perspectives are valid
Recognize when a problem is solvable and when it's not — Not all conflict can, or needs to, be resolved

Open-Ended Questions For Your Conversation

What is the story of how this issue is important to you?
Is there a story behind this issue related to your own personal history or your family growing up?
Is there a deeper purpose or goal for you in your position on this issue?

Let's Get It On: Sex & Intimacy

Finding Your Normal

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What's normal is whatever works for you and your partner
80% of married couples have sex a few times per month or more
32% report having sex two to three times per week
48% report having sex a few times per month
Couples who have a great sex life:

Say "I love you" to their partners every day, and mean it

Buy one another surprise romantic gifts

Compliment their partner often

Have romantic vacations

Give one another back rubs

Kiss one another passionately for no reason at all (85% who love sex kiss passionately)

Show affection publicly (hold hands, caress, kiss)

Cuddle with one another every day (only 6% of the non-cuddlers had a great sex life

Make sex a priority and talk to one another about sex comfortably

Are open to a variety of sexual activities

Turn toward bids for emotional connection

Talking About Sex

Research shows that couples who can talk openly about sex have more sex, and the women in these relationships have more orgasms

Initiating Sex

54% of men compared to 19% of women think about sex every day or several times a day
Men typically want sex four to five times a week, and women one to two times
Men have more explicit sexual fantasies and women have more romantic fantasies
Men in general like to have sex to feel emotionally connected, and women need to feel emotionally connected to have sex
According to research, one of you isn't going to be in the mood 25% of the time that the other is in the mood
Those couples who have mastered acceptance of the no, actually end up having sex more than couples where one partner gets upset when the other one isn't in the mood
It's important not to punish one's partner for saying no — Don't sulk or whine

Keeping It Passionate

There's one simple way to keep the passion flowing in your relationship — Kiss, kiss a lot
When you kiss passionately, you set off a chemical cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that release dopamine and increase oxytocin, both of which make you feel good — Really good
Kissing passionately for no reason at all was one universal key to a great sex life
Successful relationships have a 20 to 1 ratio of positive to negative in all their everyday interactions
It is important to ask how each other's day went while making eye contact, you talk about the things that are stressing them out, you listen to them, and you empathize with their struggles

Date 3: Sex & Intimacy

Conversation Topic

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Exploring and discussing romance, sex and physical intimacy.

Preparation

Reflect on what you want sex and passion to look like in your relationship or marriage
What rituals for connection might you create?
If sex is hard to talk about, be prepared to say so and explore why it's hard

Suggestions

We suggest that you make this date as romantic and seductive as possible
Dress in a way your partner finds sexy — If you don't how, ask him or her
Adopt a "Yes, and..." attitude instead of a "Yes, but..." attitude toward your partner's ideas

Troubleshooting

Be as specific as you can about what you like sexually — Say what you life, not what you don't like
Don't compare your sexual experience with other partners
Be open-minded to whatever turns your partner on and don't judge them
Never get mad when sex is refused

Open-Ended Questions For Your Date

Think about all the times we've had sex — What are some of your favourites?
What turns you on?
What's your favourite way for me to let you know I want to have sex?
Where and how do you like to be touched?
What's your favourite time to make love and why?
What's your favourite position?
Is there something sexually you've always wanted to try, but have never asked?
How often would you like to have sex?
What can I do to make our sex life better?

The Cost of Love: Work & Money

Financial arguments were the single best predictor of divorce

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Arguments around money tend to fall into three distinct categories

Different perceptions of financial inequality
Different perceptions of what it means to have financial well-being
Different perceptions about the nature of how they argue about money

The conflict money creates isn't about numbers, it's about what money means
We all have a legacy about money — A story that is handed down from generation to generation about what money has meant to our family

Working Hard For The Money

As long as you are transparent about the commitment you're making to your work and financial future, and you discuss it and make agreements with your partner ahead of time, it doesn't have to be a deal breaker

Sharing The Load

Both men and women rate having a successful marriage as more important than a successful career
After faithfulness and a good sex life, sharing household chores was listed as the most important element of a successful marriage

Adequate income, good housing, shared religious beliefs, shared interests, and children all came below sharing household chores

Managing Time

Every couple should come to an agreement about priorities
Make a pie chart and map out your hours for a typical day

How much time is spent working apart from each other (paid work outside the home), and how many hours are spend working together (unpaid work in the home)?
How many hours are spent connecting in the relationship?
How many with family (if applicable)?
How much time is spent alone?
Now make a second pie chart write down our ideal time for each of these areas

Date 4: Work & Money

Conversation Topic

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How do we each bring value to the relationship?
What is our history with work and money?
What does having enough money to each of us?

Preparation

Think of three things that you appreciate about your partner's paid and/or unpaid contribution to the wealth of the relationship or family

Troubleshooting

This topic isn't about budgeting or spending or anything to do with numbers — It's about understanding what money means to each of you
Refrain from judging
Focus on all you have rather than what you don't have

Open-Ended Questions For Your Date Conversation

My family history with money exercise
What enough money means to me exercise
Discuss what you have that you are grateful for
What is your biggest fear around money

Room to Grow: Family

Family can be defined as wherever and with whomever you feel love, belonging, and a sense of home

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It's important to talk about what family means and what you both want your family to look like and be like
If you one of you wants children and one doesn't, this can be a deal breaker for a relationship
For a child born in the United States in 20215, it costs an average of $233,610 to raise that child through age 17

Stay Ahead of the Curve

Children need, demand, and deserve your love, time, and attention, but this shouldn't be at the expense of your primary relationship with each other
In a longitudinal study of married couples, beginning with newlyweds, and as you went further along the married life spectrum, marital satisfaction was a U-shaped curve — Marital satisfaction began plummeting after the wedding and then took a big downward dive when the first child arrived
Men who were more respectful to their wives, and more accepting of their wife's influence or opinions, were more likely not to have a drop in marital satisfaction after children are born — The same men were also dramatically different while their wives were pregnant by being involved, they talk to the baby and they compliment their partner
If you've decided to have children and you want to stay away from the bottom of the U-shaped curve, then you both need to have two main goals:

Both partner should work to stay involved during the pregnancy and birth of children — Both should be involved as equally as possible with the new baby
Both partners should maintain intimacy and connection — You need to make your relationship a priority

Sleep and Sex

Some of the biggest fears around having children is that it will be the end of your sex life, there will be no more time for romance, for travel, for ambition, and your marriage and career will both suffer — These things happen in about 2/3 marriages
If you choose to have a family, it's imperative to continue to carve out special time to focus on each other, to continue to have a satisfying sex life, and to continue to build rituals for connection and intimacy
The greatest gift for a child is a loving relationship between parents

Date 5: Family

Conversation Topic

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What does creating a family mean to each of us?
Do we want children?
How do we define a family for our relationship

Troubleshooting

Stay open-minded to your partner's views about family
Be honest about your desire to have children or not have children
Don't criticize your partner's family — Whether it's in-laws or siblings or best friends who are considered family
If you already have children, appreciate your partner for their support as a coparent

Open-Ended Questions For Your Date Conversation

What does your ideal family look like? Just us? Us and friends and relatives?
If you want children, how many children would you like to have?
What are the ways in which your parents did or did not appear to main their closeness, love, and romance after having children?

For couple planning on having children:

What problems do you think we might have maintaining our intimacy in our future family?
What do you think you will love about being parents together?
What characteristics or qualities of mine would you like our child to have?

Play With Me: Fun & Adventure

When is the last time...

you and your partner tried something new together?

the two of you went on an adventure?

you laughed together?

acted silly?

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If you can't remember, then you are in some serious need of a play infusion
Couple who play together, stay together
Couples who play, laugh, and make a "game" out of daily life are happier couples
When you play together you're creating shared meaning and shared fun, and this in turn deepens the intimacy and connection you have with each other
Playing is "an absorbing, apparently purposeless activity that provides enjoyment and a suspension of self-consciousness and sense of time"
Finding ways to play together as often as possible will help your relationship thrive, and making play a priority will help to create a relationship that is full of joy and happiness
There is something about facing a challenge together that binds you closely and prevents you from taking each other for granted
You don't have to to risk your life and limb to feel charged in your relationship — try a roller coaster ride, or a scary movie, or any other activity that inspires fear in you or your partner and see how much closer you feel after the experience
The part of the brain where we experience fear (right amygdala) is linked to the part of the brain where we experience sexual arousal

Adventuring Together

Ask yourself these simple questions to figure out whether your relationship is suffering from lack of adventure:

When was the last time you felt excited or curious while you were with your partner?

When was the last time you did something new together?

When was the last time you had the feeling that something wonderful was about to happen?

One indication that adventure is lacking is when one or both of you are seeking substitutions for the dopamine response and end up feeding the need for play and adventure with sugar, chocolate, junk food, and for some, alcohol, prescription drugs, and other mind-altering substances
When there's no shared adventure or no adventure of any kind, there's a kind of deadness and lack of vitality that sets in — The relationship becomes a series of tasks... It becomes mundane
Go out into the world together and explore the unknown — whether that's walking through a new neighbourhood, trying a new type of food at a restaurant, travelling anywhere (even nearby), making new friends, talking to random strangers, turning off your cell phone for a day, or deciding to take a hip-hop class together
Newness is the key so shake up your routines, try something different, and explore what play and adventure mean to both of you
There is no correlation between couples having common interests and relationship happiness
The opposite of play is not work — it's depression
Play needs to be a priority — Don't make the mistake of thinking that ater all the work is done, then you will play together... It won't happen
Your happiness individually and as a couple doesn't consist of not having bad experiences, it's about constantly generating good experiences

Date 6: Fun & Adventure

Conversation Topic

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How do each like to have fun?
What is the role of play and adventure in our lives?

Troubleshooting

Stay open-minded to your partner's ideas for play and adventure

Open-Ended Questions For Your Date Conversation

What does adventure/play mean to you?
How did you like to play when you were a child?
How do you think we could have more fun?
What's the most recent adventurous thing you did?
What are you most excited about or looking forward to right now?
What's a one-day adventure you could imagine us having together?
What adventures do you want to have before you die?

Something to Believe In: Growth & Spirituality

Creating Shared Meaning

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In relationships, conflict is the way that we grow, and we need to welcome conflict as a way of learning how to love each other better and how to understand this person with a very different mind than our own
The goal isn't to try to make the other person be like you — The goal is to learn from them and to benefit the ways you're different
You create meaning when you meet with inevitable struggle in life together, and move and grow through its adversity
When you create meaning out of the struggle, you stay together
If a couple hold their relationship as sacred, then they have a better relationship
Difference in religious beliefs isn't a huge cause of marital conflict — Shared religious beliefs is less important than shared interests, good sex, and division of household labor
Every moment you're together, and even when you're not, you have an opportunity to honor all that is sacred in your relationship — however you define it

Growing And Changing

You accomodate growth and change in a relationship by making it safe for your partner to share the unfamiliar and by being truly curious about the growth they're experiencing

Date 7: Growth & Spirituality

Conversation Topic

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How have we each grown and changed in the relationship?
What does spirituality mean to each of us and how do we express it?

Exercise: Shared Meaning Questionnaire

Answer the following True or False questions:

We see eye to eye about rituals for family dinnertime in our home
Holiday meals are very special and happy times for us (or we both hate them)
End-of-the-workday reunions in our home are generally special times
We see eye to eye about the role of TV in our home
Bedtime is generally a good time for being close
During the weekends we do things that we enjoy and value, both together and separately
We have similar intentions and desires about entertaining in our home
We both value, or both dislike, special celebrations
When I get sick, I feel taken care of and loved by my partner
I really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the the travel we do together
When we do errands together, we generally have a good time

Troubleshooting

Ask questions before assuming you understand
Always put happiness and understanding above being right

Open-Ended Questions For Your Date Conversation

What do you consider sacred? And why?
What carries you through your most difficult times?
How do you find a sense of peace in yourself? What is your source of peace?
How have you changed in your spirituality or religious beliefs over the course of your life?
How do you feel you have frown the most? In what areas?
What spiritual beliefs do you want to pass on to our kids?
How can I support you in your own personal journey?

A Lifetime of Love: Dreams

Dreaming together, and supporting each other in pursuing individual dreams, is just as critical for your relationship as trust, commitment, and sex

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When each partner honors and supports the other's dreams, everything else in the relationship gets easier
Everyone has a life dream or a life purpose, and you have to be intentional about not sacrificing those dreams and that purpose to your daily task list, your work, your family, or even your relationship

Taking Turns

Everyone makes sacrifices, but you can't surrender your dreams
You can't suppress your dreams — That can lead to bitterness, resentment, and loss of passion and desire, and create enormous distance in a relationship

Become A Dream Team

Some of our deepest dreams are tooted in childhood
The dream doesn't go away when we suppress it — It is within us, and it will rear its head as conflict
The best way to avoid this type of conflict is to be open and honest about all your dreams, both big and small
Respect and honor your partner's dreams, even when they're different from your own
Be curious about why they have that dream

Ask them what that dream means to them
Ask them how they will feel when they fulfill that dream

There is a story within every dream you have and within every dream your partner has
Listen to each other's stories

Date 8: Dreams

Conversation Topic

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What are our deepest dreams?
How do we help each other fulfill dreams?
How do we dream together?

Preparation

List out your top 3 dreams
Be prepared to tell the story behind each of your dreams and share how it will feel to you to fulfill each dream

Troubleshooting

Refrain from contradicting your partner's dream; do not say it will never happen, question it, or belittle it
Don't immediately jump into practicalities until you fully understand the dream — It may be impractical but don't say it
Ask big questions to understand your partner's dream
Ask for the underlying meaning to any dream

Open-Ended Questions For Your Date Conversation

Did you have any dreams for yourself when you were a child?
Do you think your parents fulfilled their dreams?
Did your parents support you in fulfilling your childhood dreams?
Why is your top dream so important to you?
How would you feel if this dream was fulfilled, or if it wasn't?

Conclusion: Cherish Each Other

Your relationship is a great adventure — Treat it as such

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Couples whose relationships are successful feel save with each other
A lifetime of love is made of the small moments and interactions you have with each other
Kiss each other goodbye — Kiss each other hello
Take time to talk about your day with each other — Know what is stressing your partner out
Couples whose love lasts have a ratio of 5 to 1 positive to negative interactions during a fight or conflict — When they are just hanging out, they have a ratio of 20 to 1 positive to negative interactions
Make your relationship a priority

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